Absolute
by Mariah94
Summary: Tonight was Elliot's final night as a detective and his first night as Olivia's best kept secret.
1. Chapter 1

Absolute.  
That may be viewed without relation to other things.  
That which exists without being dependent on anything else.

01

The precinct was filled with uniforms, brass, forensics, and other supporting members of the department. She could hardly see across the crowd of officers. While the room was busy, there seemed to be a eerie silence that followed Olivia as she made her way through the room. An IAB representative had tapped her on the shoulder and she nearly bit their head off. She would give her statement later. She had one thing on her mind right now and that one thing was nowhere to be found.

Her partner.

Olivia pushed her way through the crowd, careful to avoid the area of the room that remained taped off. The area where Jenna's body lay covered by a white sheet, where IAB swarmed, demanding and unforgiving, asking same question as Olivia.

"Where the hell is Stabler?"

The bunk room and locker areas were clear and there was no sign of her partner in the building. Finally, she pulled out her phone and sent him a quick text.

 _IAB is searching. Let me find you first._

It only took a few moments before his reply buzzed through.

 _Roof._

Olivia made one last sweep of the room to ensure no curious eyes were watching, and then she shuffled her way out of the main entry way and turned the corner. Away from the hustle and bustle, she felt her shoulders relax as she entered the stair well quietly. She knows her partner well enough to know that he's not okay right now. She she wanted to calm him down before he had a chance to speak with the powers at be.

At the roof, the nip of the wind hit her like a brick and she had to push herself against the door to close it again. Once outside she wrapped her jacket around her tightly before walking a few steps forward. She spotted her partner towards the back of building, leaning casually against the siding, his focus upwards at the cloudy night.

She matched his stance and followed his gaze up above.

"Hey."

They stood, backs against the wind, for what seemed like a lifetime. For once there was no need for words. Together, they just existed. This very moment would stand out to Olivia for the rest of her life because she knew it would be the last time they would stand side by side as partners. He hasn't told her yet, but Olivia knew. Olivia knew this would be her last night working with Elliot. After the shooting, Elliot's eyes had met hers for only a moment from across the room, and she knew it then. He was done.

And the realization hurt like hell.

"I don't want to do this without you."

Words finally escaped her, but her voice sounded foreign. She hardly recognized it as her own because she never sounds so defeated and so weakened by her reality. Down below them, the streets were illuminated by blue and red lights of the first responders. Olivia Benson was surrounded by chaos but on this roof, next to her partner, she had never felt so at ease.

Because while it went against everything within her, she knew it was Elliot's time. And the rational part of her was okay with that. The other side of her was selfish and wanted to keep him here because she didn't want to do this job without him.

A low, sick sound rose from Elliot's throat. "They'll eat me alive for this. They will take you down with me."

He didn't understand though. She would go wherever he went. She would go down with him.

"You saved lives tonight, Elliot. Not just mine."

Even saying it, she knew it wouldn't be enough. Not for Elliot, not for IAB where they spent their weekends off looking for a pen to drop the wrong way. Not for his wife who was at the end of her rope with Elliot's career, or his kids who wanted to sleep at night knowing their dad was tucked away safely in bed. Not for himself.

She didn't mean enough to him, not enough to push aside every other reason he needs to be freed from his personal hell.

"I'm tired," he finally snapped.

His knuckles were white as he gripped the railing. He extended his arms, letting his body stretch the ache in his back before leaning forward once again.

"What about me?" Olivia's question rang out, followed by an eerie silence.

She was selfish and she cared too much. She was too close to Elliot, her partner, who was very much married and the most unavailable man in her life. But she didn't have anybody else.

He was her absolute.

What she was to him, she didn't know. They never talked about it. A relationship had formed that nobody had a definition for. He stayed in a marriage with a woman he loved but wasn't in love with and every person Olivia connected with wasn't enough. They went to work each day and they were there for each other.

At the end of the day, they went back to being separate beings with completely different lives. Lives that had no business intersecting outside of the work place.

And what little bit of him she had, she was too selfish to let go.

"I'm leaving the job, Liv."

She knows what he was implying, but Olivia wasn't listening.

Not you.

"I am the job, El. I live for this job. You're leaving me, too." The words flowed out of her so quickly, her tone so thick and depressed. She was a stranger in her body right now.

Her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. He was breaking every part left in her, all because she was too fucking close and she had no right to be.

They were twelve years too close and there was no way to make this easier.

"Olivia."

Her full name rolled off of his tongue so naturally, so fitting. Another gust of wind pushed her forward and she was brushing her bangs back before tucking them behind her ears. She licked her lips and squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to be strong in this moment.

"Please don't talk me out of this," he pleaded.

She placed a cold hand over his, and his death tight grip on the bar loosened. She gave his hand a small, reassuring squeeze before pushing off of the railing.

"I won't."

She turned away from him and moved in the direction of the door. Because if she stayed any longer, she would push too hard and they would argue until she made him regret ever considering the possibility of leaving her.

But a strong hand on her elbow stopped her suddenly, and then he was turning her towards him and his other hand was cupping the back of her head. He was pulling her into his body so quickly, so roughly, and she didn't have a chance to think that maybe this wasn't a good idea.

His lips closed over hers and silenced her attempted plea. Her hands landed on his chest and the hand on her elbow had moved to the small of her back. He was pulling her ever closer and she was returning his spontaneous kiss with an eagerness that made her question her sanity.

Because something so wrong had never felt so right.

And it was twelve years of wondering, twelve years of not crossing that line, and every single rule and moral ground being broken in the space of just a few moments. Every barrier placed between them came crashing down.

She gripped the lapels of his jacket as she parted her lips. For every second he gave, she gave two and soon their bodies were ignited by the spark that Elliot had forced on her. She was sure he could hear her heart beating out of her chest and she pulled away from him, letting out a deep breath.

All she could see was the outline of his shadow in the night, but she could feel the tension leaving his body.

"Liv..."

Her name fell off his lips as her right hand settled on his cheek. She wanted him to know that this was okay. That they would be okay. Even when she knew that she wouldn't be.

And when the tip of his tongue darted across her lower lip before being captured between his, she let out a quiet noise that she hardly recognized as her own voice. She returned his demands with a hard, pressing moan and she didn't care if she ever breathed again.

She couldn't get enough of this side of Elliot Stabler. This was something she wouldn't allow herself to so much as dream of. Never in any of her years had she been kissed like this. Never had one stolen, impulsive moment caused so much turmoil.

How something could feel so right, but hurt so much, Olivia didn't know.

Because almost as soon as he had been there, he had gone. And she was left on the roof top of the 16th precinct with swollen lips and a memory of what could have been.


	2. Chapter 2

02

The second time was intoxicating.

Olivia turned the small straw of her drink aimlessly. All around here bodies moved and voices echoed. The air was thick with a mixture of secondhand cigarette smoke and light-clouded vape haze. Not many men dare approach her while she drank, so obviously consumed by her own inner demons. She wasn't here for anybody's entertainment. She was here for herself.

It was a mixture of the alcohol and the atmosphere that made her feel so free. That's all she wanted. These stolen moments after a tough case, or a bad day when something reminded her of him, were the only ways she could cope. Maybe it wasn't the healthiest for her, but when your partner of twelve years leaves you alone on a rooftop after kissing you senseless, how else are you supposed to let go?

Get off work, have a few drinks, and allow yourself to forget.

That's what these nights are about.

Things at work would never be the same. Elliot was replaced by two younger and eager detectives. She didn't mind them, but when Cragen made her clean out Elliot's desk she realized that this was all really happening. He wasn't coming back.

And he wasn't calling her either.

She wasn't sure what hurt more, Elliot's departure from the job or departure from her life. How exactly was she supposed to interpret that kiss, when she hasn't seen or heard from him since?

Recent events in her life certainly warranted her need for distractions. She took the final sip of her Jack and coke before pushing the glass away from her. She nodded to the bartender and waved a hand. Her limit was always two. She wanted to be buzzed but she wouldn't get drunk. After passing a few bills to the bartender, she made her way through the crowd.

All around her, people of different cultures and histories came together as one. Here, nobody was judged for what they did or didn't do. All you needed to fit into a bar like this was a little willingness to try something new. Enjoy the music, have a drink, meet somebody new, and leave your stresses at the door.

Olivia has been coming here for years, although only once in a blue moon. While she never actually met anybody worth taking home, it was a nice change of pace from her usual routine. At the end of the day she wasn't the kind of person to meet somebody and take them home that same night. And here, she has yet to meet anybody worth talking to again.

Still though, she enjoyed these nights where she let herself go a little.

Tonight she wore a hazel dress that cut off just above the knees. It covered her shoulders but left enough of her back showing that men definitely noticed. And at her age, it was nice to feel wanted from time to time.

Almost immediately she felt a presence following her. She casually detoured and made another loop through the small group of drinkers, and the feeling went away. A quick glance over her shoulder assured her that whoever had sparked in an interest in her had moved on. She circled around once again and opened the back door the bar, appreciating the breath of fresh air that followed. As she tucked her hands in her pockets she counted one, two, and spun around quickly, knowing that the back door of this bar always closed before she reached two.

She took a few shaky steps back and Olivia put her hands up, ready to question whoever had followed her outside. However, her mind spoke before her body and a small noise escaped her throat.

 _Elliot._

And before she could register what was happening, he was in her personal space and she couldn't breathe.

They stood motionless before each other. He was but a shadow within her, only a small street lamp giving his features away. It had been 31 days since Olivia last saw him, and in 31 days a lot could change, she realized. The facial hair was a dramatic addition that Olivia could hardly prepare for. She noticed though, that while unlike him, it seemed fitting. A red button up hung loosely on his shoulders with a tight fitting black shirt visible underneath. She didn't dare drop her eyes lower.

His expression remained tense, his eyes a shade of blue so dark she couldn't read them.

She wondered how long he has been following her. This was too much to be a coincidence, she told herself. She closed her eyes tightly before wrapping her hands tightly around her waist. She thought for a moment, that maybe this was the alcohol telling her enough was enough.

Because he wasn't supposed to be here right now.

"What are you-"

"What do you want from me?" He questioned, his voice deep and unaltered, seemingly unfazed by her presence.

Olivia's eyes widened and she scoffed. His tone was short and his eyes were narrowed.

What kind of game was he playing? He left the job, he left her. He's the one who hasn't called and considering recent events she sure as hell wasn't going to reach out to him. What did she want?

She wanted answers.

"How about you start with an apology?" She challenged.

He pressed even closer to her. And then his fingers were trailing from her collar bone before settling under her chin. He lifted her face towards his.

She felt the fire reigniting between them.

"Why are you doing this?"

Every part of her wanted to push him away, but she felt weakened by his very touch. His piercing blue stare seemed to look right through her. Around them people didn't seem to notice the thickness in the air, or the fact that temperature seemed to be raising by the second.

"Do you want me stop?" he questioned.

She didn't know how to answer that.

Although she only had two drinks, she was suddenly intoxicated by the presence of her former partner. 31 days wasn't enough time for her to forget him. She wondered if she could ever forget.

"I don't want you to leave me again."

While faint, she could see the flicker in his eyes and she knew that her words effected him. His hand had settled just beneath her ear and she sensed that even if she tried pulling away, he would stop her. His touch was immobilizing. She was sure that in the next few moments her feet would give out before her. She couldn't walk away from now, she realized. And she wondered if she ever could.

"I see you everywhere I go." His hand was moving again, down her neck and across the top of her shoulder, leaving a trail of warmth that seemed to reach her core. He delicately pushed her hair aside as he traced the sleeve of her dress. "When I close my eyes, you're right there with me." His eyes flicked back up to hers and it was then she noticed that beneath his confidence, he was only an empty shell of the partner she once knew. "I've never regretted a kiss so much," he said quietly, "and I've never wanted something again so badly."

His words seemed to rip right through her. She had never felt so defenseless beneath the gaze of a man she once knew so well. As if he read her mind, his other hand cupped her cheek and he lowered his eyes to meet hers.

"Can you be strong for me, Olivia?"

She wasn't sure what he meant by that, but she didn't dwell on it for long. His touch was sending signals through every nerve in her body and she knew it wouldn't be long before she gave in to his advances.

She can't be strong for Elliot when she is hardly strong enough for herself.

He was already so close and all she had to do was push up ever slightly on her toes. Her lips brushed against his so tenderly and uncertain. Her eyes had slipped close and she felt his fingers pushed into the skin of her neck. Her hands had snaked around his waist and she was sure if he tried pulling away now, she wouldn't let him. It was only a few moments before he responded and his hands softened.

This is what they were now, nothing and everything. Two beings that couldn't be together but somehow managed to meet in the middle as one. He tilted her head back and she parted her lips against his. In this moment they were one as they kissed slowly in the alleyway of New York City. He was so familiar but also a stranger. There was no passion, only tenderness and two broken people with no answers.

When she opened her eyes again, he was looking at her with the sadness she recognized from the night on the roof. He brushed her hair back behind her ears and gave her a weak smile.

"I'll never be enough for you, Liv."

She was shocked into silence and while her mind urged her to move forward, she seemed frozen in the very spot he was leaving her. As he stepped away, she felt herself breaking into the millions of pieces he had left her as on the rooftop only 31 days ago. Her mind was screaming at her now.

 _Don't let him leave._

But by the time she could breathe again and his heat left her body, he was gone. Only this time, Olivia had a sneaking suspicion he would find her again.

* * *

 **This could have been a one shot, but I had an idea and I'm going with it. Don't think too much into the technicality of this story, because I'm certainly not.**

 **M.**


	3. Chapter 3

03

The third time was exhilarating.

It was day five and whether or not the suspect revealed himself, it was Olivia's final night under cover. She's spent the last five nights living stay in a run down motel, each night nursing a single alcoholic beverage while trying to get to know the locals at a night club. A few of the regulars were suspected of being involved in child trafficking. Olivia and a younger uniformed officer by the name of Leslie Barrett had volunteered to spend the week on the inside trying to find any information.

It wasn't the safest of gigs, but then again, what part of her job was safe?

Each evening she wore revealing skirts, put on cheap makeup, and entered the role of Keisha Jones, just another sad story of a woman who earned a living by taking men to her bedroom every night. Barrett and Olivia spent a few hours each night flirting with with regulars while trying to make a name for themselves, and after a while they would be approached by somebody wearing a green wrist watch, spend a few minutes charming them, and then leave together. The mystery man with the green watch was always the winner considering they were really just another police officer helping to build there cover. If they didn't ever leave with a man, somebody might eventually be suspicious of their intentions.

Olivia was both relieved and overwhelmed that she only had a few more hours as Keisha Jones. She missed her life and was tired of always reminding herself to stay in character, but she was also disappointed the whole stunt had so far turned out to be for nothing. They were no closer to being on the inside of the trafficking ring than they were on day one. They weren't sure from the beginning if playing the roll of a hooker would even get them inside the operation, but it was a chance they were willing to take. After all, at the end of the week, if it didn't work, what did they have to lose?

But if there was one thing this whole operation taught her, it was that Olivia was tired of going undercover. She was approaching her forty sixth year on this earth and her body was exhausted. Barrett was truly the more appropriate officer for the job considering she was twenty three, but she only had a few years on the job so they sent Olivia along to help keep an eye on the inside.

Olivia started the night off just as every other. She picked up a drink from the bartender before making her way around the club, being sure to make eye contact with every male that looked her way. After a few minutes she settled into a couch at the back of the club and waited: it was only a matter of time before the first eager low life approached her.

Four trials and four errors, each of the men that approached her in the first hour were not the type to fit the profile of her suspect. She watched from across the room as Barrett (or better named, Sonya Hanes) made her rounds through the group of single men. She hoped that the young officer would have more luck than her tonight.

After a few few minutes she saw Barrett sit at a table across the room, her back turned to Olivia.

Maybe this one is worth something, Olivia thought to herself.

She had to continuously scan the room. She made sure to keep her eyes moving, as if scouting out her next interest. A younger white male was the next to catch her eye. He seemed a little over dressed for the occasion, wearing his black suit jacket with a dark yellow tie just visible beneath it. Her first impression was that he had a decent job and had come straight here from work. She wondered if he had a family at a home, and if they knew what he did in the hours after work.

She felt a familiar pang in her chest the next time she caught up with Barrett, but she quickly shrugged it off. Now was not the time,she reminded herself.

"Hey beautiful." Her next target interrupted her thoughts and he collapsed into the couch beside her.

He didn't leave any space between her and Olivia had to bite back the urge to immediately distance herself. He smelled of sweat and fresh body spray, with the lingering odor of cigarettes. Fighting against her initial instincts, she flashed this mystery man her sexiest smile.

"What's your name big guy?" Her tone was low and she did her best to bring out her bedroom voice.

While it seemed to work on every idiot that sparked an interest in her, it sounded faked and forced to Olivia.

"Travis." Mystery man then put his large hand on her thigh and Olivia felt felt physically ill. The man surprised her again by putting a finger under her chin, and she forced herself to look Travis in the eye.

"Well hello, Travis."

"Why don't you tell your name," Travis whispered. His eyes were dilated and her gaze dropped to his nose. Sure enough, there were traces of the addicting white substance just alongside his right nostril.

"Keisha." She met his wide eyed stare again.

"Is that your real name?"

Olivia thought for a minute.

"Does it matter?" she finally answered.

Travis seemed pleased with her response. He rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes before breathing loudly. Olivia realized that if they weren't in this club and she didn't know any better, Travis might seem like a normal guy. He was definitely younger than her, likely early thirties. He didn't seem to have a chip on his shoulder like some of the other men in here, either.

He also didn't seem like the kind of guy to be their perpetrator.

And with that, she realized that she would need to tell Travis to move on.

"I've seen a lot of guys approach you, Keisha." Travis started in with his best attempt at small talk but Olivia was no longer listening.

Her eyes had fallen back on Barrett's table and this time there was no mistaking it.

Elliot Stabler was talking to Leslie Barrett.

This time she recognized him immediately. He sat across from Olivia's partner, seemingly engrossed in conversation. He was leaning forward, elbows resting on the table, looking as comfortable as any of the men in the club. And although she should be wondering why on earth her partner would be in a night club full of hookers, she knew that it was too much of coincidence. This would be the third time he's shown up in her life unannounced. He was making these impressions intentionally.

And it was then that Elliot looked right over Leslie Barrett's shoulder, his piercing blue eyes meeting hers from across the room. His face revealed nothing and Olivia wanted to scream.

What the hell was he doing here?

At some point Travis had dropped his face into her shoulder and Olivia hadn't noticed. When his lips grazed her neck she jumped, knocking his hand off of her thigh.

"What do I need to do to have a few hours of your time Keisha?" Travis' voice broke her trance and she turned her head his way. His eyes were wild and she could tell that he had caught her looking at another man.

"I'm sorry Travis, but you're a little too young for my taste."

"I have more money than half the fools in this club."

She ignored his daring expression.

"I promise I'll be worth your time, baby." His hand was back on her thigh, trailing a hot path upwards and it wasn't until his fingertips brushed the seam of her skirt that she looked in the direction of her former partner.

Even from across the room she could see the tension in his body. His jaw was taught and his eyes could burn holes right trough her soul.

"Look at me," Travis whispered to her.

Olivia pushed herself away from Travis and gave him a sympathetic frown. "Sorry, bud. This isn't going to happen."

 _I've found a new target._

She stood up quickly and Travis seemed frozen in place, his rejection sinking in.

Olivia's mind was racing. She was in the middle of a serious case and here Elliot was trying to break her cover. What on earth did he think he was doing? She moved with a purpose across the room. Elliot looked up just before she reached the tabled and his eyes narrowed.

"Now this pretty lady-" he stood from the table and reached for Olivia's hand, "is just who I was looking for."

Olivia met Barrett's gaze and tried her best to make her understand without speaking the words. Barrett seemed to recognize the familiarity and Olivia hoped she assumed that Elliot was just another Officer. He wasn't wearing a green watch, but with any luck Barrett would keep her cover and trust Olivia's judgment.

Olivia tugged at Elliot's arm and soon she was pulling him through the crowded night club, desperately thinking of way to get him out of here without blowing her cover. She couldn't believe he would show up here, especially considering the circumstances. After a moment he stopped abruptly, and reluctantly she faced him. His expression was dark and he smirked before pulling her flush against his body. She felt the heat rush to her center and she clutched his forearms, her head spinning.

He knows you're working, she realized.

 _This son of a bitch._

"Can I buy you a drink?" His tone was short and his voice dripped with the frustration that seemed to be pouring out of him.

Olivia knew she couldn't answer him outright, so she did the next best thing. Trailing her hands up his chest, she settled against his body and breathed slowly. With her lips brushing her former partner's ear she whispered, "What the fuck do you think your doing?" before pulling away from him.

His right hand moved dangerously across her waist and he looked right into her eyes before cupping her ass, their bodies flush once again. Olivia sucked her lower lip between her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut.

She wasn't sure what kind of game he was playing, but it needed to end now.

She turned around quickly and walked in the direction of the back of the club. She didn't have to look behind her to know that Elliot was quick on her heels. Soon they were in the dimly lit hallway and Olivia opened the first door she could reach, fully intending to give him a piece of her mind. But Elliot was right behind her and together they nearly crashed into the dark room. Next thing she knew, the door was being slammed shut by the force of her back against it and Elliot's lips crashed into hers.

And it was then that she realized that she had no self control when it came to Elliot Stabler.

The fire he had started was fully involved and Olivia was powerless in his presence. She was working and Barrett would probably be alarmed by her sudden absence, but none of that mattered right now. All that mattered was that Elliot's hands were on her body and he was kissing her like no man had ever kissed her before.

And it was everything she wanted.

Elliot wasted no time in parting her lips, his intentions clear and aggressive. Soon his tongue was dancing against hers and Olivia pulled him tight against her, their hips meeting just as she sunk her teeth into his lower lip. Elliot groaned as hands slid up her body, taking in every inch of her while he could.

These rare moments with Elliot were exhilarating, and she didn't realize until now that she was waiting every day for him to make an appearance again. That was the real reason she wanted out of this undercover operation. She never thought he would find her here.

When his lips moved to her neck, Olivia felt her knees buckle beneath her. Her response seemed to bring her back down to earth and before she could talk herself out of it, she shoved her partner as far away from her as she could.

"What the hell?" She asked. She was breathing hard and every inch of her was on fire.

In the darkness, she couldn't make out Elliot's features. She sensed him a few feet away from her and she hoped he was as disoriented as she was.

"I needed to see you." His response was weak, barely a whisper between breaths.

"How did you find me?"

She wasn't surprised when he didn't answer.

They stood before each other for a few minutes, the air thick and the silence deafening. She knew she had to go back out into the club, as she was sure Barrett was looking for her. But she also knew that once she left this room, her partner would be gone again.

"I can't do this with you, Elliot."

Each time she came down from her high, she felt herself shatter even more. When Elliot was with her, she felt alive but he always left her. She wanted more.

His body was against hers again and his fingers ran absently through her hair.

"Tell me to stop finding you, then."

Was it really that easy, though?

Olivia pushed herself forward, capturing her former partners lips for another moment before she slipped back through the door. She took a deep breath and did the best to collect herself before melting back into the club, her eyes searching for a mystery man wearing a green watch. After tonight, she would be home and back to her normal routine.

And she would be waiting for the next time Elliot Stabler interrupted her life.


	4. Chapter 4

04

The fourth time was unnerving.

A glass of wine and a DVD rental -that's all Olivia has planned for today. Dressed in plaid pajamas and an old over sized t-shirt, she surrounded herself with the cushions of her couch and relaxed for the first time in weeks. After reading a message from David, an A.D.A that had recently developed an interest in Olivia, her phone was silenced and the only call she planned on making was to the Chinese restaurant for delivery later this evening.

The last few weeks, Olivia was sure she was running on overdrive. SVU was especially busy; the promise of weather stirring more criminals into action. She had eight open cases going currently, and her team was finally getting into a routine. Olivia was beginning to doubt if she and Amanda Rollins would be able to work together, but in the last few weeks Rollins had really showed her commitment to the squad.

Olivia had a lot to think about. Cragen had pulled her into the office yesterday and mentioned that his retirement was just around the corner. It was something Olivia has known was coming for years now, but she had made a point of ignoring it. She didn't want to work under another Commanding Officer. But Cragen had surprised her yet again but telling her that he recommended her for Sergeant.

It wasn't something Olivia had really considered. Sure, the thought crossed her mind a time or two and more than one coworker had tried talking to her about it. But Olivia loved working with the victims and getting a promotion meant she could be moved to wherever they needed her within the department.

Olivia voiced the concerns to Cragen, and he assured her that he would do everything in his power to keep her with SVU. With that, she agreed to take a closer look at the requirements for getting on the next promotion list.

But first, she was going to take a day to herself.

Week after week, she went through the motions. Go to work, solve cases, put predators away, and then repeat for the next case. Olivia thought that going undercover would help break the vicious cycle known as her life, but no sooner than the day after she was back home, it was right back to her old routine. Maybe it was one of the reasons she looked forward to Elliot's spontaneous visits.

It was a pleasant interruption from a life she was no longer satisfied with.

It wasn't the job. She lived and breathed for SVU. But Olivia always pictured that there would be more to her life than work. She wanted to settle down and have a family. More than anything, she wanted to be a mom.

But some things weren't meant to be.

Olivia forced her sour, bitter thoughts from her head and pressed play on the remote. Today was about relaxing.

She was going to do just that.

Or so Olivia thought.

Fifteen minutes into the movie, Olivia was started by the loud, inconsistent knocking on her door. She glanced at her phone and groaned. It wasn't yet five in the evening.

The loud cracks against Olivia's door continued, and when she peered through the hole of her door, she felt her stomach turn. On the other side of the door was Elliot Stabler, appearing very disheveled. His skin was flushed and the blue shirt worn over his torso was wrinkled, with the top half open, revealing the clammy skin of his chest.

Sliding the lock out of place, she cautiously opened the door.

Elliot was frozen where he stood, his hand raised above his shoulder. His eyes were wide and his cheeks concealed by over a week of gray, untamed facial hair.

"I didn't mean to come here," Elliot rasped.

Contrary to his words, he lowered his hand and pushed his way into the apartment. Olivia moved aside, turning her nose up as he passed through her breathing space. The sharp, musty odor filled her nostrils. He was a mix of his cologne and a strong liquor. It wasn't a good combination.

"You're drunk."

"I _was_ drunk," he corrected.

Olivia closed the door behind her and made her way into the kitchen. She reappeared a few moments later with a bottle of water. She found Elliot standing in the living room of her apartment, his eyes scanning the walls as if he had never stepped foot in there before.

"No thanks." He put a hand up, refusing her outstretched hand.

"What are you doing here?" Olivia asked, setting the bottle down. She faced her former partner with her arms crossed over her chest.

Elliot continued to search the apartment with his eyes. His hand scratched at his bare chest and Olivia swallowed. She was about to ask him to cover himself up when she noticed the buttons were missing. She averted her eyes, mentally telling herself to keep her eyes above his shoulders.

"Elliot-"

"Who is David?"

The hair on her neck bristled, and Olivia had to bite back her initial response. She must have revealed her displeasure though, because Elliot narrowed his eyes and took a confident step towards her. She squeezed her arms against her chest and narrowed her eyes.

"Does he mean anything to you?"

 _No._

"Yes."

"Are you sleeping with him?"

Her heart was racing and the tips of her fingers dug into the skin of her elbows.

"I haven't so much as touched him," she bit back, her voice raised.

"But you like him?"

Olivia's jaw was clenched and even if she could, she wouldn't answer him.

What was he thinking? And how did he even know about David Haden…

"You can leave, Elliot."

"I need to know." He stepped towards her and Olivia raised her hand.

"It's not of your business. You're not even a part of my life anymore!"

Elliot ran a hand through his untidy hair before rubbing his chin. He took another step forward, and motioned his hands between them.

"I'm here now, aren't I?"

Olivia scoffed. She was breathing in short bursts and she's sure her lower lip would begin to bleed any second now. Night after night she's stared at the ceiling of her bedroom, kept awake by the memory of Elliot Stabler. Each time she shut her eyes, she felt his hands on her skin. She found herself desperate for another encounter. Just one more time with him, and then she could move on. She would give anything to have him in her life again, and somehow she has envisioned these encounters as more than what they really were.

"I want more," she challenged.

His body seemed to weaken in the spot he stood. A tremor that started at his chest, traveled through his muscles and he clenched his fists as they dropped to his sides.

"It won't be enough."

"What exactly do you want from me then?" She moved forward, only inches away from him.

His eyes searched her to the core. His trembling fingers reached upward and traced circles around her cheek bone. She wishes she could move away from him, but even though she wanted nothing to do with him at this moment, she couldn't turn away. Elliot Stabler had brought her feelings to the surface, feelings that she had previously been able to keep away. Now, everything was being put on the table and she wanted to explode.

"I want you to fall in love with me."

She blinked, the edges of her vision blurring. His admittance knocked the breath right out of her and she rocked backed on her heels. Although he seemed sure of himself, his stance tall and his eyes unwavering, she could sense the confidence he had minutes ago breaking. His words hung in the air and she could hear the neighbors door slam shut.

"This…" She motioned between them. "Is not the way. You want me to love you?"

 _I already do._

"Give me more than a few minutes of your time."

Her face burned and his red rimmed gaze continued to stare right through her. She wishes she could be the sight behind his eyes for just a minute, so she could see it from his point of view. When Elliot kissed her the first time, she thought he needed some form of closure and that it would be the end of it. When he kissed her the second time, she wasn't sure where he stood or what she was to him. The third time, she figured out that there was some form of physical need and she admitted to herself that she wanted it -whatever it was -just as much as Elliot did.

Now, Elliot Stabler was telling her that this was more than an impulsive decision or physical need.

"I would give anything..." His hands ghosted along her shoulder.

She could see right through his words, and while she wished them to be true, she knew that there was only one person who could fill the void in her life right now.

She closed what little distance was left between them and pushed her lips against Elliot's. His lips were cold and she tasted the remnants of alcohol as they parted. She held his face in her hands and she pushed herself against his body. His hands wrapped around her waist, keeping her tight against him.

"Stay with me," she whispers against his lips.

He nipped quietly on her lower lip before kissing her harder.

His body, his touch, and the taste of his lips were becoming so familiar. Olivia wanted all of him, even if he was as much of a mess as he implied. She would have him any way she could, as long as it was more than what he gave her now.

Every kiss is just as consuming as the first. And each one leaves her wanting more. His hands grip her waist possessively and when he comes up for air, he leans his forehead against hers.

 _He's not going to stay._

The thought dawns on her and she feels the heat leave her body.

She doesn't know what this means, or what he wants. But she realizes that her former partner is not okay. Whatever he is going through, whatever battles he is fighting, he doesn't want her to be a witness to that.

She pulls away just enough to look him in the eyes.

"I can help you."

His defeat is evident. His dulled eyes look at her one more time before his gaze drops to the floor.

"It's not that simple."

Whatever Elliot was going through, he was hurting her too. And she couldn't help but think about how simple it could be if he would just let her in. That was the last thing he said to her. With a final, swift kiss, he left her again. For a few minutes, she stood there, memorized by the memory of Elliot Stabler. But she realized, as much as she wanted him, she didn't feel the ache in her chest like she had each time before.

Part of it was because she knew he would be back eventually. And maybe the next time, he wouldn't leave again.

But instead of thinking about what could have been, or how unnerving the whole situation with Elliot Stabler was, she decided it was time for a change.

So she called David Haden.

* * *

 _ **Because I'm not a simple person and I need to practice writing kissing scenes *shrugs***_


End file.
